Playing the Birth Order Game: Surviving Your Family during the Holidays

It’s the time of year when your family, his family or her family

are getting together. Why is it that some feel this is a stressful

experience; after all, it’s just family?  When families get together

everyone takes a step back in time and the pecking order or 

each person’s birth order comes into play.  No matter that 
Joann is now an investment banker in New York City, she is 
still the baby sister to her older siblings and is still treated the 
same way she was when she was growing up.  Family has a 
way of erasing all of one’s accomplishments.

Why do families revert to Childhood Behavior Patterns?

Your birth order is your path throughout life and it doesn’t 

change when you leave the nest, get a job and have a 

family of your own. Your own family may sound too 

critical to you but they see the “real” you and no amount 

of window dressing can fool them into seeing you in a 

different light.  This may be the reason many don’t come 

home for the holidays! Bringing up old wounds and sibling

rivalries are unpleasant.

1.     Why Birth Orders Clash

Every sibling has a different birth order in a family.  When 

extended families get together, many will have the same 

birth order.  This is where the problem begins.  If we have 

two or three firstborns, who is really in charge?  The fun 

part is for everyone to think about the other’s birth order to 

understand why conflicts exist and then work through them.

2.     Playing the Sibling Birth Order Game

·        Get each family to list all the siblings in their family.

i.e. Anna 21, John 38, Sue 37, Becky 30

·        Make sure you get the years between each successive

sibling.  Anna 3yr  John 1yr  Sue 7yr Becky

·        Give each a number with the oldest being #1

Anna #1  John #2  Sue #3  Becky #4/0

·        Those with four or more years between successive

siblings will have Double Birth orders so add a 0

behind their birth order number.  Beck is 7yrs younger

than Sue and that is why she gets the 0. Adding this 0

Birth order magnifies and intensifies her #4 birth order

characteristics.

·        Find out which family members have the same birth 

      order.

·        Give a name tag to each person showing their birth 

     order.

3.      The Only Birth Order

This birth order may love having everyone around, something

they missed as a child growing up alone.  Others will like the

solitude during the holidays and prefer being alone.  This birth

order will be the most adult of the group, the go to person if

problems occur.  Onlys like Condoleezza Rice and Rudolph

Guliani would calm the waters.

4.     The Firstborn

Similar to the only child, the firstborn is at the top of the

pecking order. These are the people who want to

give orders and be in charge or be very supportive. One can

get a mental picture of the firstborn’s approach by just

imagining Hillary Clinton and Julia Child in the same kitchen.

both would want to be in charge.  One giving orders the

other supporting others with a different approach. If you

are working with firstborn’s one approach to keep harmony

would be to make each firstborn responsible for a different

part of the meal.

5.     The Second Born

Don’t tell a second born what to do! The second born may still

be acting out their sibling rivalry with the firstborn. The second

borns may want to take the competition outside for some touch

football or any game where they can compete from cards to

monopoly.  If the second born is in charge of dinner, you can

bet it will be as perfect as possible—the second child often tries

hard to unseat the older sibling. Second-born Martha Stewart,

home and entertainment perfection guru, is a good example

of a second-born child.

6.     The Third Born

These are the masters of relationships and will be the 

observers watching the family in action, taking everything 

in. They make its their job to keep peace and keep 

everyone on an even keel. Laughing on the outside, you 

can bet they are feeling everything on the inside and 

won’t let it show. The third born will know just which 

family members should sit together at the holiday table.

Third-born Barbara Bush, wife of one president and mother 

of another, is the perfect example of the all-knowing, 

all-feeling third born who doesn’t let her tender side show.  

She is great at picking up vibes from people and can 

easily figure them out. 

7.     The Fourth Born

They are ready to have some fun! As the true babies in the

family, everyone takes care of them and they can be the grease

to keep the family having fun and keep things from getting too

serious. The holiday party won’t be at their house unless

someone else is in charge. They prefer to sit at the little kids’

table, where they are right at home. Fourth-born Dolly Parton

exhibits the playfulness of this birth order. Patricia Heaton who

played Debra in the TV series (Everyone loves Raymond) 

shows this characteristic as well.

Beyond the Fourth Born

If you are from a large family, birth order starts over again

for the children following the fourth child of the family.

If you are a fifth born, you share the firstborn traits. If you

are a sixth born, you share the second-born traits, and so

on. Often the birth order traits are softened in these

family members with 5^th 6^th 7^th 8^th & 9^th birth orders.

Some Variables

Birth order characteristics are not black and white and they

can be influenced by many things—sibling deaths, divorce,

blended families, and lengthy spacing between children, to

name a few. For example, “double birth” family members are

children spaced four years apart or more from their closest

sibling. A third (and last) child born five years after the second

born of the family would carry a Three/Only birth order.

Double birth order children carry characteristics of both

of their birth orders. In many cases the blending magnifies

and intensifies characteristics. If a two is stubborn, then a

Two/Only is an immovable object! President Donald Trump
has a Double birth order, that of a firstborn and fourth born.
That is why we see two sometimes contrasting behaviors
one like an Adult, the One, and the other like a child the
Four.

Let the Game Begin!

If you have a large group, give a name tag to each person

identifying their birth order. It’s a great way to get the

holiday dinner conversation going! Bon Appétit!

Dr. Robert V. V. Hurst is author of the book:

 “Life’s Fingerprint: How Birth Order Affects Your Path

Throughout Life.”  For more information contact him at 

www.lifesfingerprint.com  This book should be on every
coffee table at this time of the year. You can go to my website

www.mybirthorder.com

George Clooney his Birth Order and Marriages

Even George said it was not going to happen but on

September 27^th 2014, he married again. His bride, Amal

Alamuddin, a human rights attorney.  Why do people fall

in love? Can we predict which marriages will last? 

These questions can be answered with a look at birth order.

Love At First Sight

There are two types of love at first sight.  The first is when

you meet someone with your same birth order. You are

so much alike. The problem with this match is that you

are so much alike you try to occupy the same space. One

of you must step aside and let the other shine. You can only

have one image in a mirror at the same time.

The more lasting love is when you meet someone that

matches a sibling in your family of the opposite gender,

and you match one of theirs. You will both understand

each other since you had a sibling with the same gender

and birth order.

George is a Second Born

George has a sister two years older than himself.  He must

have easily dethroned his older sibling Adelia Zeidler

as she did not compete with him.  She became a wife and

mother and stayed in Kentucky close to their parents. Not

close to George, she was unaware of his first marriage.

They do e-mail each other.  George was an athlete in high

school and even tried out to play professional baseball with

the Cincinnati Reds. One trait of the Second born is that they

don’t like others telling them what to do. This may be why

he has stayed unmarried without children. It may also be

why he considers himself antiestablishment and explains

the political stands he takes. He likes standing up for the

underdog by challenging  a government or an individual. 

You never have a second chance to make a good impression

with a second born. Having had a few confrontations with

directors he is now more comfortable running his own

production company. He would be attracted to a #2 like

himself but his ideal mate would be a #1 like his sister,

especially if she had a #2 younger brother.

First Marriage a Two/Only Double Birth Order

He married Talia Balsam in 1989. She has an older

half-brother Thomas Casey King 8yrs older from her

mother’s first marriage.  This gives Talia two birth

orders. She is a Second born but also has the power

of the Only birth order because of all the nurturing

she received at home while her older brother was in

school. This really “powers up” her #2 birth order.

The attraction for George was her #2 traits. She

continued her career as an actress and did not give

it up or “step out of the mirror”, neither did

George. With the added power of the Only

characteristics she was the one in charge, not

George. The marriage lasted only 4yrs.

Amal Alamuddin a Firstborn

Amal is the firstborn and has a younger sister Tala. I

don’t know Tala’s date of birth but she does have

a 12yr old daughter. I assume she is no more than

2yrs younger than Amal. This makes Amal a #1 birth

order and it does not look like she has been

dethroned by her younger sister. Like all birth orders

Firstborns have two sides.  As a #1 she can be either

domineering by  giving orders or she gets her way by

being nurturing and supportive.  Let’s hope this is her

type because George does not like to be told what

to do.

Will the Marriage Last?

With the divorce rate above 50% this is a question

to which everyone wants an answer.  It looks like

George has matched his childhood family birth order

as his sister was a #1.  Amal comes close but the #2

in her family was a girl not a boy. She will have a

harder time understanding George, especially when

he wants time with his buddies.  This match is very

close to the ideal birth order combination. It has an

excellent chance of lasting a lifetime.

For more information on Birth Orders go to

www.mybirthorder.com  and buy the book with

the same name by: Dr. Robert V.V. Hurst

The Koch Brothers: A Study in Birth Order

  

                               Seated:  Charles      Fred        Mary       Fredrick
                               Standing:    David                              William

There have been few American families that have been

as politically influential than the Koch family.  They own

the second largest private corporation in America. The

four Koch brothers are on the Fortune 500 list of the richest

people in America. Their desire to keep a low profile

working behind the scenes has been breached by family

quarrels that began in childhood.  Birth order interactions

were allowed to “work” themselves out by parents that had

other interests that superseded their sons. Bill the youngest

said the situation at home was “more like the movie Lord of

the Flies” that brought out the basic instincts of survival

among the brothers. This allowed their birth orders full

expression. Each birth order has its own expression and

the quest for power over the other sibling continues into

adulthood.

The Start: First two Generations

Fred C Koch was born September 23, 1900 to a penniless

Dutch immigrant Harry Koch. Harry became a newspaper

Owner in Quanah Texas a small town with less than

 2,000 people.  His older brother John Anton Koch was

born in1898.  John followed into the family business but

Fred took another course as the second son often does.

Fred started college in Texas where he learned to box,

this may have helped release his stress. He later went to

MIT where he graduated with an engineering degree.

While at MIT he and a friend invented a thermal cracking

process for turning crude oil to gasoline. They tried to sell

the process to the American oil industry but were rejected.   

In 1930, Russia was looking to modernize their oil industry

and welcomed their help. The Russian government paid

them well but this relationship did not last. Fred developed

a hatred for Communism and was instrumental in the

birth of the John Birch Society, an anti-Communist group

based in southern California.  He and his partners now had

the money to start their own oil refining business in the

US.  Number 2 birth orders make money so others will

not tell them what to do. They don’t do it for the material

things that money can buy. This was Fred and the start

of Koch Enterprises.

Fred starts a family

Fred married Mary Robinson Koch at age 32, later than

most men at the time. He and Mary had four sons. Frederick

(Fred) 1933, Charles 1935, and the twins David and William

(Bill) in 1940.  Fred and his wife were more obsessed with his

business and her busy social scene than raising the boys and

spending family time together. There was no silver spoon for

these boys. Fred paid them only for chores and did not give

them an allowance. When he was home he ruled the boys

with an iron fist. Most of the time they were left alone to

interact between each other.

The Boys Birth orders

Fredrick was the firstborn, Charles the second born but the

twins born five years after Charles made up a “family” within

the family. The twins interaction was greater between each

other and less with their older brothers. The five year spacing

gave them Double Birth Orders. David, the oldest of the

twins, was the third birth but the oldest in this “second family.”

He has a 3/1 birth order. William (Bill) was the fourth born

(19 minutes younger) but the second in this “second family”

he has a 4/2 birth order. When people have double birth

orders they display characteristics for both birth orders but

not at the same time. Unaware of their dual birth orders they

may find it difficult to control which one is going to appear

and this can cause stress. There is also sibling rivalry between

these two. David has the superior birth order numbers, 3 & 1

 and Bill a 4 & 2 will want to dethrone him.

Fredrick the Firstborn

Fredrick is the firstborn and was named after his father.  As

many fathers, Fred Sr. had plans for his firstborn son to

follow in his footsteps and take over the family business. 

Sometimes the pressure is too great and the firstborn,

he drops out and lets his younger sibling dethrone him

and takes a different course. This is devastating to the

father, especially one so driven as Fred Senior.  Fredrick

 is the shortest of the boys at six foot two. He was closest

to his mother and shared her interest in the arts and was

not athletic. He loved to act and sing. He left home for

boarding school after the 7^th grade.  When he was in his

20’s many thought he was gay. In the 60’s the mention of

Fredrick vanished from his father’s biography. Partially

disinherited by his father he now spends his time and

money restoring castles and historical houses.  He has never

married and owns the private photo collection of George

Platt Lynes and Jerome Zerbe focused on homoerotic

imagery. He and youngest brother Bill were bought out of  

Koch Enterprises by their 2^nd oldest brother Charles.

Charles the Second Born

Charles has all the characteristics of a second born.  Just like

his second born father he didn’t like to be told what to do.

If there was any sibling rivalry it was short lived. His father

picked him to succeed him by putting a lot of pressure on him

as early as age nine. Charles was rebellious and was kicked

out of many private boarding schools starting at age 11. 

Many say he was a “bad boy” that turned good. In terms of

birth order he now has to act the part of a firstborn but has

the characteristics of a Second born just like his father. When

this is just an act he may go overboard in using his power.

As a #2 material things are not his main interest but being

free of authority is a high priority. He still lives in Wichita

Kansas, eats in the company cafeteria and goes to work

everyday even in his 70’s.  He, like his father is using his

money for political change. He is thought to be the money

behind the “Tea Party” movement and the support of

conservative candidates. Second borns like Bill Gates and

Warren Buffett share this trait and they too will continue

to get wealthier. During the period that brother Bill brought

a lawsuit against the company, Charles shunned his brother.

You don’t tell a number 2 what to do!

David the Older Twin  3/1 birth order

David is 19 minutes older than his younger twin brother.

The twins start another family group because they are

five years younger than Charles. This gives David some

firstborn and third born characteristics. Growing up he

fought a lot with his younger twin.  He seemed to win

more boxing matches so held off any dethroning by his

younger twin. He and Charles are the brothers that run

Koch Enterprises. He would be drawn to Charles who is

acting like a #1 which is part of David’s birth order.  As a

#3 we see David’s charitable side and his interest in

helping those in need on a larger scale. He gives to

hospitals, theaters, art and education. Living in New York

he is thought to be its wealthiest resident. Like his brother

he feels he can change the world with an interest in

politics. In 1980 he ran as VP on the Libertarian ticket. 

He is Chairman of Americans for Prosperity a political

action group that is very conservative. During the law

suit brought by his younger twin David was torn between

loyalty to his twin and his older brother Charles.

William the Younger Twin 4/2 birth order

William or Bill is the true baby in the family. He was the

fourth born.  He also has the number two birth order which

would make him combative. Bill #4 was always jealous of

Charles his #2 brother and even went to the same boarding

school. Of course, he did not know that they shared a birth

order. Someone with a 4/2 birth order would be a

combination of an impulsive child with the “don’t tell me

what to do” of the #2.  These two birth orders together can

make a combustible mix. The baby #4 wants things and the

#2 is ready to fight for them. Bill has been known to be the

“Playboy” of the group and has been married 3 times. 

He won the Americas Cup in Yacht racing in 1992 and is a

collector if art and wine.  Known to have a hair trigger

temper and is quick to sue others if he feels cheated. He

and older brother Fredrick sued Charles and David after he

thought the $800 million buyout was too small.  They lost

the case. During the trial he said he had mixed feelings.

One was purely economic the other emotional attachment

To the company. The lawyer asked, “In the competition

 between the two halves of yourself what won out?” “Get

the highest price” Bill said. This was an open display of his

inner torment trying to balance his two birth orders. Unless

he can understand that he really is two different people and

begin to control his birth orders he will be forever unhappy.

Families and Birth Order

Some parents feel it is their fault that their children do not like

each other and can’t get along.  This is not their fault as you

can see with the Koch brothers.  Because of their great wealth

their personalities were on display in open court. Expressing

their birth orders made them who they are.  All people, if

given enough time will have a life that matches their birth

order.  Those with double birth orders have a more difficult

time balancing their life. It is their Life’s Fingerprint!

UpDate
On August 23, 2019 David Koch died after a long battle with
prostate cancer. He was 79 years old.

For more information on Double Birth Order purchase my

book Life’s Fingerprint: How Birth Order Affect Your Path

Throughout Life, by Dr. Robert V.V. Hurst You can go to my

website  www.mybirthorder.com