It’s the time of year when
your family, his family or her family
are getting together. Why
is it that some feel this is a stressful
experience; after all,
it’s just family? When families get
together
everyone takes a step back
in time and the pecking order or
each person’s birth order comes
into play. No matter that
Joann is now an investment banker in New York City, she is
still the baby sister to her older siblings and is still treated the
same way she was when she was growing up. Family has a
way of erasing all of one’s accomplishments.
Joann is now an investment banker in New York City, she is
still the baby sister to her older siblings and is still treated the
same way she was when she was growing up. Family has a
way of erasing all of one’s accomplishments.
Why do families revert to Childhood Behavior Patterns?
Your birth order is your
path throughout life and it doesn’t
change when you leave the nest,
get a job and have a
family of your own. Your own family may sound
too
critical to you but they see the “real” you and no amount
of window dressing can fool them into seeing you in a
different
light. This may be the reason many don’t come
home for the
holidays! Bringing up old wounds and sibling
rivalries are unpleasant.
1.
Why Birth Orders Clash
Every sibling has a
different birth order in a family. When
extended families get together, many
will have the same
birth order. This is where the problem
begins. If we have
two or three
firstborns, who is really in charge? The fun
part is for everyone to think about
the other’s birth order to
understand why conflicts exist and then work through them.
2.
Playing the Sibling Birth Order Game
·
Get each family
to list all the siblings in their family.
i.e.
Anna 21, John 38, Sue 37, Becky 30
·
Make sure you get
the years between each successive
sibling. Anna 3yr
John 1yr Sue 7yr Becky
·
Give each a
number with the oldest being #1
Anna
#1 John #2 Sue #3
Becky #4/0
·
Those with four
or more years between successive
siblings
will have Double Birth orders so add a 0
behind
their birth order number. Beck is 7yrs
younger
than
Sue and that is why she gets the 0. Adding this 0
Birth
order magnifies and intensifies her #4 birth order
characteristics.
·
Find out which
family members have the same birth
order.
·
Give a name tag
to each person showing their birth
order.
3.
The Only Birth
Order
This birth order may love
having everyone around, something
they missed as a child
growing up alone. Others will like the
solitude during the
holidays and prefer being alone. This
birth
order will be the most
adult of the group, the go to person if
problems occur. Onlys like Condoleezza Rice and Rudolph
Guliani would calm the
waters.
4. The
Firstborn
Similar to the only child, the firstborn
is at the top of the
pecking order. These are the people who
want to
give orders and be in charge or be very
supportive. One can
get a mental picture of the firstborn’s
approach by just
imagining Hillary Clinton and Julia
Child in the same kitchen.
both would want to be in charge. One giving orders the
other supporting others with a different
approach. If you
are working with firstborn’s one
approach to keep harmony
would be to make each firstborn
responsible for a different
part of the meal.
5. The Second
Born
Don’t tell a second born what to do! The
second born may still
be acting out their sibling rivalry with
the firstborn. The second
borns may want to take the competition
outside for some touch
football or any game where they can
compete from cards to
monopoly. If the second born is in charge of dinner,
you can
bet it will be as perfect as possible—the
second child often tries
hard to unseat the older sibling.
Second-born Martha Stewart,
home and entertainment perfection guru,
is a good example
of a second-born child.
6. The Third
Born
These are the masters of relationships
and will be the
observers watching the family in action, taking
everything
in. They make its their job to keep peace and keep
everyone on an even keel. Laughing on the outside, you
can bet
they are feeling everything on the inside and
won’t let it show. The
third born will know just which
family members should sit together
at the holiday table.
Third-born Barbara Bush, wife of one
president and mother
of another, is the perfect example of the
all-knowing,
all-feeling third born who doesn’t let her tender
side show.
She is great at picking up vibes from people and can
easily figure them out.
7. The Fourth
Born
They are ready to have some fun! As the
true babies in the
family, everyone takes care of them and
they can be the grease
to keep the family having fun and keep
things from getting too
serious. The holiday party won’t be at
their house unless
someone else is in charge. They prefer
to sit at the little kids’
table, where they are right at home.
Fourth-born Dolly Parton
exhibits the playfulness of this birth
order. Patricia Heaton who
played Debra in the TV series (Everyone
loves Raymond)
shows this characteristic as well.
Beyond
the Fourth Born
If you are from a large family, birth
order starts over again
for the children following the fourth
child of the family.
If you are a fifth born, you share the
firstborn traits. If you
are a sixth born, you share the
second-born traits, and so
on. Often the birth order traits are
softened in these
family members with 5th 6th
7th 8th & 9th birth orders.
Some
Variables
Birth order characteristics are not
black and white and they
can be influenced by many things—sibling
deaths, divorce,
blended families, and lengthy spacing
between children, to
name a few. For example, “double birth”
family members are
children spaced four years apart or more
from their closest
sibling. A third (and last) child born
five years after the second
born of the family would carry a
Three/Only birth order.
Double birth order children carry
characteristics of both
of their birth orders. In many cases the
blending magnifies
and intensifies characteristics. If a
two is stubborn, then a
Two/Only is an immovable object! President Donald Trump
has a Double birth order, that of a firstborn and fourth born.
That is why we see two sometimes contrasting behaviors
one like an Adult, the One, and the other like a child the
Four.
has a Double birth order, that of a firstborn and fourth born.
That is why we see two sometimes contrasting behaviors
one like an Adult, the One, and the other like a child the
Four.
Let the Game Begin!
If you have a large group, give a name
tag to each person
identifying their birth order. It’s a
great way to get the
holiday dinner conversation going! Bon
Appétit!
Dr. Robert V. V. Hurst is author of the
book:
“Life’s Fingerprint: How Birth Order Affects
Your Path
Throughout
Life.” For more information contact him at
www.lifesfingerprint.com This book should be on every
coffee table at this time of the year. You can go to my website
coffee table at this time of the year. You can go to my website
www.mybirthorder.com
