Playing the Birth Order Game: Surviving Your Family during the Holidays

It’s the time of year when your family, his family or her family

are getting together. Why is it that some feel this is a stressful

experience; after all, it’s just family?  When families get together

everyone takes a step back in time and the pecking order or 

each person’s birth order comes into play.  No matter that 
Joann is now an investment banker in New York City, she is 
still the baby sister to her older siblings and is still treated the 
same way she was when she was growing up.  Family has a 
way of erasing all of one’s accomplishments.

Why do families revert to Childhood Behavior Patterns?

Your birth order is your path throughout life and it doesn’t 

change when you leave the nest, get a job and have a 

family of your own. Your own family may sound too 

critical to you but they see the “real” you and no amount 

of window dressing can fool them into seeing you in a 

different light.  This may be the reason many don’t come 

home for the holidays! Bringing up old wounds and sibling

rivalries are unpleasant.

1.     Why Birth Orders Clash

Every sibling has a different birth order in a family.  When 

extended families get together, many will have the same 

birth order.  This is where the problem begins.  If we have 

two or three firstborns, who is really in charge?  The fun 

part is for everyone to think about the other’s birth order to 

understand why conflicts exist and then work through them.

2.     Playing the Sibling Birth Order Game

·        Get each family to list all the siblings in their family.

i.e. Anna 21, John 38, Sue 37, Becky 30

·        Make sure you get the years between each successive

sibling.  Anna 3yr  John 1yr  Sue 7yr Becky

·        Give each a number with the oldest being #1

Anna #1  John #2  Sue #3  Becky #4/0

·        Those with four or more years between successive

siblings will have Double Birth orders so add a 0

behind their birth order number.  Beck is 7yrs younger

than Sue and that is why she gets the 0. Adding this 0

Birth order magnifies and intensifies her #4 birth order

characteristics.

·        Find out which family members have the same birth 

      order.

·        Give a name tag to each person showing their birth 

     order.

3.      The Only Birth Order

This birth order may love having everyone around, something

they missed as a child growing up alone.  Others will like the

solitude during the holidays and prefer being alone.  This birth

order will be the most adult of the group, the go to person if

problems occur.  Onlys like Condoleezza Rice and Rudolph

Guliani would calm the waters.

4.     The Firstborn

Similar to the only child, the firstborn is at the top of the

pecking order. These are the people who want to

give orders and be in charge or be very supportive. One can

get a mental picture of the firstborn’s approach by just

imagining Hillary Clinton and Julia Child in the same kitchen.

both would want to be in charge.  One giving orders the

other supporting others with a different approach. If you

are working with firstborn’s one approach to keep harmony

would be to make each firstborn responsible for a different

part of the meal.

5.     The Second Born

Don’t tell a second born what to do! The second born may still

be acting out their sibling rivalry with the firstborn. The second

borns may want to take the competition outside for some touch

football or any game where they can compete from cards to

monopoly.  If the second born is in charge of dinner, you can

bet it will be as perfect as possible—the second child often tries

hard to unseat the older sibling. Second-born Martha Stewart,

home and entertainment perfection guru, is a good example

of a second-born child.

6.     The Third Born

These are the masters of relationships and will be the 

observers watching the family in action, taking everything 

in. They make its their job to keep peace and keep 

everyone on an even keel. Laughing on the outside, you 

can bet they are feeling everything on the inside and 

won’t let it show. The third born will know just which 

family members should sit together at the holiday table.

Third-born Barbara Bush, wife of one president and mother 

of another, is the perfect example of the all-knowing, 

all-feeling third born who doesn’t let her tender side show.  

She is great at picking up vibes from people and can 

easily figure them out. 

7.     The Fourth Born

They are ready to have some fun! As the true babies in the

family, everyone takes care of them and they can be the grease

to keep the family having fun and keep things from getting too

serious. The holiday party won’t be at their house unless

someone else is in charge. They prefer to sit at the little kids’

table, where they are right at home. Fourth-born Dolly Parton

exhibits the playfulness of this birth order. Patricia Heaton who

played Debra in the TV series (Everyone loves Raymond) 

shows this characteristic as well.

Beyond the Fourth Born

If you are from a large family, birth order starts over again

for the children following the fourth child of the family.

If you are a fifth born, you share the firstborn traits. If you

are a sixth born, you share the second-born traits, and so

on. Often the birth order traits are softened in these

family members with 5^th 6^th 7^th 8^th & 9^th birth orders.

Some Variables

Birth order characteristics are not black and white and they

can be influenced by many things—sibling deaths, divorce,

blended families, and lengthy spacing between children, to

name a few. For example, “double birth” family members are

children spaced four years apart or more from their closest

sibling. A third (and last) child born five years after the second

born of the family would carry a Three/Only birth order.

Double birth order children carry characteristics of both

of their birth orders. In many cases the blending magnifies

and intensifies characteristics. If a two is stubborn, then a

Two/Only is an immovable object! President Donald Trump
has a Double birth order, that of a firstborn and fourth born.
That is why we see two sometimes contrasting behaviors
one like an Adult, the One, and the other like a child the
Four.

Let the Game Begin!

If you have a large group, give a name tag to each person

identifying their birth order. It’s a great way to get the

holiday dinner conversation going! Bon Appétit!

Dr. Robert V. V. Hurst is author of the book:

 “Life’s Fingerprint: How Birth Order Affects Your Path

Throughout Life.”  For more information contact him at 

www.lifesfingerprint.com  This book should be on every
coffee table at this time of the year. You can go to my website

www.mybirthorder.com