Why do I fight with my Brother or Sister: Sibling Rivalry

             " I hate you I hate you I hate you!"

 

Sibling rivalry is defined as the competition between children who share at least one parent in common. This may be the dictionary definition but in reality it's the competition between children be they genetic siblings, step-siblings or adopted siblings that share the same home.

 

Sibling Rivalry in the Bible

The first mention of sibling rivalry is seen in the bible. When the first two sons of Adam and Eve, Cain and Able, sought God's attention. God accepted the younger son Abel's offering over his older brother Cain's. It resulted in an act of murder. Cain killed Abel, because he said, "God loved him best". This was the first recorded case of siblicide.


Rivalry History
For many of you with older or younger siblings the thought of eliminating the competition may have crossed your mind. It is not that unusual in the fight for the Throne. In most cultures, the first born son is given the title of "heir" when he is born, something the next younger sibling would want. When Royalty governed Europe, the fight for the throne between siblings often resulted in murder. The firstborn son inherited the "birth right", the second born son had to find another occupation. Primogeniture is the practice of giving the entirety of your wealth to the eldest son. We are seeing this issue today as Prince Harry of England tries to find his identity.  Harry, the second born has decided to leave the Royal family and England and seek a new life in North America. You can be sure his wife Meghan Markle, a three/only double birth order, had a great influence on the decision. How do we know? The press has labeled this drama, Megxit.


First & Second Borns
Most rivalry occurs between the first two siblings. The closer in age, the greater the chance for competition. If there are medical problems with either of the siblings, the other will be elevated or demoted without a fight. The winner now has a new role to play but still retains many of the characteristics of their original birth order. The firstborn starts life as an Only child where they get all the attention; they don't have to compete or share. Traditionally, the firstborn becomes the student, a high achiever, tries to enforce the family rules, and tells the younger sibling what to do. The second child takes a different course. He had a sibling at birth; he is born competitive. He or she is usually more athletic than the firstborn, has an outgoing personality, definitely does not want to be told what to do, nor does he tell others what to do. These roles can be reversed but the firstborn will want to defend the Throne and the second born will want to overthrow him. 


Gender Factors
The gender of the siblings and the gender of the dominate parent will set the stage for the rules of the competition. Historically, it has been a male dominated society, not so today. If the dominate wage earner is the woman than the female child will have an edge in the fight, something new in our modern society. There can be four possible combinations. Two boys, two girls, older brother younger sister, and older sister with younger brother. The personalities of these children will change based on winning, losing or calling a draw to the game. The sibling that loses can have a very difficult time as an adult. The winner too will have to take on more responsibility. The best result is always a draw. These relationships, good or bad, will last a lifetime.  


Let the Games Begin
How can you tell if there is rivalry between the first two siblings? It can happen when the firstborn is a boy in a male dominated family or a girl living in a female dominated family. If the firstborn stumbles in school the second born will seize the opportunity, an opening to excel going from an average student to getting A's. The defeated firstborn can drop out of the game and let the second born bare all the pressure of trying to be perfect in the firstborn position. Defeat can also happen to the second born if the firstborn is both the excellent student and great athlete, removing all avenues for the second born to succeed. If the firstborn feels no threat to their throne, they will be supportive of the younger sibling. Each will go their own direction, one a student the other the athlete. 

Two Boys you may know
Broadcaster Tom Brokaw the oldest of three boys

Actor Harrison Ford the older of two boys

Sam Walton older brother of James (Bud) Walton

George Herbert Walker Bush younger brother of Prescott Jr.

Ronald Reagan younger brother of Neil

Paul Newman younger brother of Arthur Jr.

Michael Dukakis younger brother of Stelian

The comedy team of Tom and Dick Smothers shows how two brothers can work together. Tommy the older plays the part of the goof off. Younger brother Dick plays the more serious straight role. Into their routine after being scolded by his younger brother Tommy says, "Yeah, but mom always liked me best." Something you would expect a firstborn to say.  


Two Girls you may know
Paris Hilton and younger sister Nicky

Ricki Lake and younger sister Jennifer

Jamie Lee Curtis and older sister Kelli

Jane Pauley and older sister Anne

Jacki Bouvier Kennedy and younger sister Caroline Lee Radzwell. Jackie married a President and her sister married a Prince.  

As one sister said to the other. "Let's play Cinderella and you can play the ugly stepsister." Guess who started the game?


Older Brother with Younger Sister
Jimmy Carter and younger sister Gloria

Martha Stewart and older brother John

Jimmy Stewart had two younger sisters, Mary and Virginia. He took acting roles as a leader in charge. His onstage persona was the same off stage, you felt you could trust him and knew who he was. A big brother who did not feel threatened.


Older Sister with Younger Brother
Mark Zuckerberg has an older sister Randi

Martin Luther King Jr. had an older sister Christie

Bill Gates has an older sister Kristi

Hillary Clinton has a younger brother, Hugh. She had to fight to hold her position and is still seen as a fighter today. A high achiever she has weathered many storms in her life and won. Her younger brother has not detroned her.

 Lucy and younger brother Linus (Peanuts comic strip) "You are my younger brother and I'm your older sister and that's the way it's going to be all the days of your life and don't tell me you never think about it."  His thinks to himself, Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life. 

"My sister hates it when I invade her privacy. It says it right here in her diary."


Advice
If you are a parent of two siblings you can see the possible outcomes of sibling rivalry. Competition is good but you don't want the firstborn to lose the Throne and drop out. You also don't want the second born to be so overshadowed by the firstborn that they will lose their competitive nature. Learn to praise each child's accomplishments. Don't let them choose the same sport or extracurricular activity. Give them each an area that they can excel without competing with the other. There will be enough other areas of disagreement to keep things exciting! There is only on front window seat in a car.


Lifetime Relationship
The dynamics of sibling rivalry has many variables. Recognizing them will give you an edge in understanding the people affected by this interaction. You'll never outgrow your sibling rivalry, it returns again at the holidays when everyone gets together and the fighting begins again.

Share with us your story of sibling Rivalry by commenting on this blog. Did you win of lose? 

 
For more information on birth order, sibling rivalry, and double birth orders, visit our website www.mybirthorder.com  or buy my book,  Life's Fingerprint:How Birth Order Affects Your Path Throughout Life by Dr. Robert V.V. Hurst